woostering: (richard)
One of the things about going to a college that operates on trimesters, thus giving me the entire month of December off, is that I have a lot of time for reading lots of blog posts about asexuality and pretending I'm doing important things like not sitting around or cleaning my room. Thinking about these things and these words and these conversations, about what does and doesn't make sense for me, and mingsy own relationships (which I say like they're a thing). Finally I felt I wanted to complie some things for myself here.

I have to open with this, because it's awesome and I really like it.
And it (and a lot of the other links I've come across so far with the question of "WHAT ARE ANY OF THESE THINGS?!") really raises an important point, and how it's really hard to describe things you don't experience, or maybe experience but at least you know whatever you do or do not experience doesn't seem to match up with the way other people talk about theirs. And then for those people who do, it's really hard to talk about it in a way other than the language that already exists an references itself. I like thinking of these things in terms of language issues. I've seen people talk about some of it in terms of colors. If someone is colorblind, how do you convey the concept of a particular color? And so, as a side effect, it's interesting to read about romantic asexuals tackling romantic orientation and attraction, because in much the same way sexual people have trouble both seperating romantic and sexual attraction and describing what exactly it is to aces, the same problem occurs between romantic and aromantic aces about what the hell romantic attraction is. And aside from the frustration inherent in not being able to pin down much of this, it's a really cool thing to think about. (I need to stop using really so much)

There were a number that I'm not going to try to find now, but this is one, about the established pattern of relationships, how they seem to work or seem to be supposed to work, what many people attempt to follow. And I've been thinking about my own, being demi and highly romantic (as far as I can tell, toward guys). There was another questioning post on tumblr more recently about not being quite sure what demi meant, really, when compared to other sexualities, and I feel the nede to word vomit a bit to get my own thoughts out about how it works for me.

I only have two significant... I'm not even sure I can call them relationships, but we'll go with that I suppose. Significant in terms of what I've learned from them. Certainly the two people in question mean a lot. Here I'm mostly meaning "times I felt things I had to figure out". The first, erm, #1, or B, or whatever, is a very good friend of mine, for some reason the phrase "brother in arms" has become attached to him, at least in my head. Because the phrase fits how I feel about him. I had a rather impressive crush (because when I do these things they are impressive), but he's gay, and we have a very strong and close friendship to this day (despite my not talking to him as much as one should). But since we both had an unspoken understanding that we wanted to address the letter I wrote him about said impressive crush in person, and we go to different colleges and he's always busy, there was a long period of time when the whole thing was up in the air and I wasn't sure what he felt about anything. So before and after we did get everything sorted out, I had a lot of time to think about what it was I was feeling. It was this experience, after all this processing (three months at least) that let me feel confident enough to take on being demisexual. I had enough evidence to feel like the word, which fel right from the first I heard it, really was a good fit for me. Because, first I, realized that part of why the feelings were so intense was that they were new, it was the first time I felt that level of connection towards a person, that kind of love. I still love him to bits, of course. But the second thing I realized was, even though he gives fantastic hugs and they make me feel better, I never really liked him like that. I wanted to hug him, and curl up next to him, and things like that, because I rather like those things. Maybe kiss him, it's harder to remember that exactly. But anyway, this thing that's sexual attraction never happened. I think it has to do with where and how our relationship progressed. But whatever would let my sexual attraction kick in never happened and so I never felt any.

A lot of this I've learned slowly, because I think a lot about people I'm close to, I pick apart things. And, because I'm intrigued by interpersonal relationships, I like hearing how other people talk about their relationships. And thanks to language, I sorted out that this first experience of mine didn't quite fit the language of how other people described who they liked. And as I learned more about asexuality and demisexuality and actually just a number of queer people's relationships in general, I found the language that made more sense, and I was slowly able to understand the whole thing.

So now for #2, or M. We have an... arrangement. Even we haven't sorted out what to call it. And it's very complicated for a number of reasons and depending on who you talk to we aren't "together" in any kind of fashion. But anyway. I'm not going to tackle that, because at the same time it simply is what it is. And over the course of it I noticed some of the same things and feelings as with the first one, but also different because he's different and from the start the possible paths were different. So it was the same thing all over again and also a whole new and first time experiencing all these feelings. So okay. The critical point, I think, is that we're in an arrangement. Whatever it is, we have one. #1 never involved any such thing, which is why I could say this one was the next step. In learning about all this. Because first I liked him. Then things happened, and I went "holy shit I really like him". And as we became close that turned into "oh shit I love him". And very recently (as in a few days ago), after about half a year of this arrangement, I was having feelings and not sure what to do with myself, and I thought "...holy shit, I think I'm starting to like him like that". Which in and of itself was still very vague, but I think that might have been it. And while part of me was going "Oh, no." I was also kind of excited that I could watch myself go through this. That there was a moment I was aware of, and I might be able to say the sensual attraction was slipping into sexual.

SO NOW THAT THAT'S OUT OF THE WAY here's a kind of summary of what all this has made me think:
First, there's the draw toward people I admire in some fashion, and can chill out in the "I like being around you" area and be fine and dandy. This can escalate into liking and simmer down and it's all cool. Given time, it can get all lovey. I guess this is where we say romantic attraction, and it can hang out there or become a fusion of the two, see B. I love him, but am very much not in love with him (at least not now, you could probably say I was for a while and I wouldn't argue). Or it can turn continue growing as more-than-a-friendship, and in love happens as well as a lot of what I guess we can say is sensual attraction or something. And given more opportunity, this may slowly start to turn into sexual attraction. Something like that seems to be how it all works for me.

And this reasserts the whole demi thing. Because when I hear my friends talking about crushes, people they like in one way or another, there is usually some level of sexual attraction inherent there. For me, this takes time and I what I think I can call opportunity, I need something coming back to continue expanding the amount and kind of atraction, otherwise it just doesn't happen. The program won't kick in until someone actually clicks and opens it--it doesn't auto-run upon startup.

And because this is a wordvomit of massive proportions, there's another distinction at work here, but I'm bringing it up because it ties in with the development of #2. The difference between finding someone attractive (physically, intellectually, emotionally, an actor's apprearance or a singer's voice or a person's personality, and kind of a similar, aesthetic appreciation one can have for people or other various objects, they are nice to look at or listen to) and being attracted to them. I can appreciate attractive people with all my friends (our tastes differ, sometimes drastically, but we can appreciate each other's differences in that), but I can safely say the first person I was ever really completely attracted to is M. Not even B. B plays piano and has nice hands and I could watch him play piano for quite some time, for example. He is posessed of an attractive pair of hands. But... that's really all I can say. Now M's hands. Being his, they are incredible and don't get me started.
Being demi, I may start to become attracted to. Whether I can call it sexual or not, there's a process there and it's cool that I get to watch it at work.


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May 2014


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