woostering: (phoenix)
I've thought about this a long time since the incident that started this set of thoughts, and occasionally I come back and revisit them so I'm going to try to write them down or something.

I had a friend. I still have this friend, a very good and dear friend, but lets use past tense for the moment.
I had a friend, and our friendship was built out of a great deal of mutual respect, and they understood me very well. In some things, we were coming out of a similar place, and it was nice. It's always nice, to have someone that understands some things about you and together you can just sort of hang out and be. Just be, and nothing is a big deal, and you have each other's backs, and you can stand within the world and stand against it. You quietly, and he decidedly not. He can tell you things, and you can not-quite-tell him things but be willing to try to dance yourself closer to it, as you've been able to do with very, very few, and he gets it.
He still gets it, but one thing has changed. It took a couple of weeks to get over it, and some of that was by choice.
He has a girlfriend, see. And I managed to miss the development of their friendship over many nights of eating dinner with them until it was really painfully obvious and someone else asked if I knew what was up. So mostly I was annoyed that I could have overlooked that, because it wasn't not obvious that things were happening. It just... didn't really occur to me. Anyway.

There were two things that made it hard. One is that I felt obligated to step back, at least for a bit, because friends need their space and stuff, and I had to be more aware of her. (It's okay. She's cool, I like her a lot. Also my friend is even more of a dork around her and it's adorable.) The other is that... we weren't standing in the same place any more. It doesn't change any of his understanding of me, but we can't just be as we were. I felt like I lost a confidant, even though nothing about our actual friendship changed.
It was just nice, to know that I could have someone standing with me on the same rock looking out at the world. Maybe it was foolish to not have questioned the subconscious assumption that we could do so indefinitely, an assumption firmly shattered. The things that put us on the same ground at first became not so bad when you can have another person there with you. Knowing someone else is standing there makes some of the rest not matter.

It makes one wonder if the only indefinite thing is standing there alone.
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woostering

May 2014

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