woostering: (phoenix)
I've thought about this a long time since the incident that started this set of thoughts, and occasionally I come back and revisit them so I'm going to try to write them down or something.

I had a friend. I still have this friend, a very good and dear friend, but lets use past tense for the moment.
I had a friend, and our friendship was built out of a great deal of mutual respect, and they understood me very well. In some things, we were coming out of a similar place, and it was nice. It's always nice, to have someone that understands some things about you and together you can just sort of hang out and be. Just be, and nothing is a big deal, and you have each other's backs, and you can stand within the world and stand against it. You quietly, and he decidedly not. He can tell you things, and you can not-quite-tell him things but be willing to try to dance yourself closer to it, as you've been able to do with very, very few, and he gets it.
He still gets it, but one thing has changed. It took a couple of weeks to get over it, and some of that was by choice.
He has a girlfriend, see. And I managed to miss the development of their friendship over many nights of eating dinner with them until it was really painfully obvious and someone else asked if I knew what was up. So mostly I was annoyed that I could have overlooked that, because it wasn't not obvious that things were happening. It just... didn't really occur to me. Anyway.

There were two things that made it hard. One is that I felt obligated to step back, at least for a bit, because friends need their space and stuff, and I had to be more aware of her. (It's okay. She's cool, I like her a lot. Also my friend is even more of a dork around her and it's adorable.) The other is that... we weren't standing in the same place any more. It doesn't change any of his understanding of me, but we can't just be as we were. I felt like I lost a confidant, even though nothing about our actual friendship changed.
It was just nice, to know that I could have someone standing with me on the same rock looking out at the world. Maybe it was foolish to not have questioned the subconscious assumption that we could do so indefinitely, an assumption firmly shattered. The things that put us on the same ground at first became not so bad when you can have another person there with you. Knowing someone else is standing there makes some of the rest not matter.

It makes one wonder if the only indefinite thing is standing there alone.
woostering: (phoenix)
Wanting to kiss you
is like desiring to lick a
freshly sharpened
by a cinnamon-sugar stone.
Do you tempt the wavering
hand that holds it
--after all, it might
not tilt, a hint of
pressure leaving my
tongue sliced cleanly in two.

Metal should not taste so warm.


Jul. 17th, 2013 02:01 am
woostering: (Holmes + Watson in Sweden)
I walked to you with the knowledge you could cut me to ribbons
after all I'm still not quick to put on full armor
for that.
Later you likened yourself more to acid
this was after various poisons
and the dusting of
nuclear radiation
But now the metaphor is acid.
I still want something sharp
like the arrow of a skilled thief
to deliver the destruction you believe
lies in your concern
not the gentler shine
restored to my greened copper
caked like moss, molding to the tree in which I was buried
I am more resilient than that
Or was I supposed to be drawing parallels to HCL
and sophmore chemistry
even though it was 7th grade when I nearly burned my hand
trying to catch hydrogen from a magnesium reaction
so I could hold it in a test tube
and feel the force of it explode
and likewise capture CO2
to watch a flaming splint go out.
My father is a chemist
he used to come home with indigo patches
splotched into his jeans
but now his job is to tell other what to do
to make sure no one screws the mixtures up
Even though his work is harmless
Chemistry is a delicate process
whether you want sweet soap
or a cheap explosion.

So whether it was a blade
or a fingertip
that I reached out my own to meet,
do not be afraid to mark and
perhaps we need a new standard of beauty.
woostering: (phoenix)

I hate that what you do to me

is a burden to you

But not saying it

Doesn’t make me feel

any less

Even if it allows you to—

to what? Pretend I don’t?

Pretend I haven’t cried

at the thought of touching your hair?

The thought, how pathetic

holding your hand

or burying my head against your shoulder

because you are real

Yes I feel that.

Yes I really could

stare at you for hours

beacause I would be looking at you

I know that makes no sense to you

But it is you or blankness.

woostering: (phoenix)
It is terrifying
to realize
the only way
I want the mark
of another
is if they
do the same way you marked me.
Because it was right and good and true
and it's not about
because I live
in layers and
I refuse to remove you.
woostering: (phoenix)
It's not that I'm in love with you,
But the fact that this feeling
Which exceeds
Any bounds of language to express
Is physically manifested in
My sternum
That bone which
above all bones
Produces blood.
I can feel it
producing lightness out of marrow
And I can feel it opening with
to go.
woostering: (richard)
One of the things about going to a college that operates on trimesters, thus giving me the entire month of December off, is that I have a lot of time for reading lots of blog posts about asexuality and pretending I'm doing important things like not sitting around or cleaning my room. Thinking about these things and these words and these conversations, about what does and doesn't make sense for me, and mingsy own relationships (which I say like they're a thing). Finally I felt I wanted to complie some things for myself here.

I have to open with this, because it's awesome and I really like it.
And it (and a lot of the other links I've come across so far with the question of "WHAT ARE ANY OF THESE THINGS?!") really raises an important point, and how it's really hard to describe things you don't experience, or maybe experience but at least you know whatever you do or do not experience doesn't seem to match up with the way other people talk about theirs. And then for those people who do, it's really hard to talk about it in a way other than the language that already exists an references itself. I like thinking of these things in terms of language issues. I've seen people talk about some of it in terms of colors. If someone is colorblind, how do you convey the concept of a particular color? And so, as a side effect, it's interesting to read about romantic asexuals tackling romantic orientation and attraction, because in much the same way sexual people have trouble both seperating romantic and sexual attraction and describing what exactly it is to aces, the same problem occurs between romantic and aromantic aces about what the hell romantic attraction is. And aside from the frustration inherent in not being able to pin down much of this, it's a really cool thing to think about. (I need to stop using really so much)

There were a number that I'm not going to try to find now, but this is one, about the established pattern of relationships, how they seem to work or seem to be supposed to work, what many people attempt to follow. And I've been thinking about my own, being demi and highly romantic (as far as I can tell, toward guys). There was another questioning post on tumblr more recently about not being quite sure what demi meant, really, when compared to other sexualities, and I feel the nede to word vomit a bit to get my own thoughts out about how it works for me.
Read more... )
woostering: (kiku)
Taken from here: http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-golden-compass-daemon-test

Solitary Trickster

You are shy and a little reclusive. Big crowds and new social situations make you feel uncomfortable and nervous. You prefer to stick with your close friends and family. You have a large personal space and you hate to feel crowded or overwhelmed. If you have been dragged out to a party, or have had a stressful day at work, you need to retreat to your own private place for a while afterwards to recharge.

You are very sensitive, and easily hurt. You tend to worry about what other people are thinking about you. Often, the offhand comments that people make hurt your feelings. You tend to hide your feelings from people whom you are not comfortable with, like strangers, acquaintances or coworkers. You may brush things off with a joke or hide your pain behind a toss of the head. You try not to overreact to things, and you avoid conflict, especially with strangers. However, if you are pushed too far, you can defend yourself with a vengeance.

With your loved ones you are quite different. You trust them with your feelings and with them you tend to be more open and sincere. You are loyal and clannish, and while you hide yourself from strangers and acquaintances, you come out of hiding when your close friends and family are around. Or at least, you do for a while, before you need to retreat back into your private place to re-charge.

Your daemon would represent your secretive, shy nature, your dislike of conflict, and your ready ability to defend yourself or your friends, should the need arise. He or she would probably stick close to you when you felt nervous or uncomfortable, and provide you with humorous commentaries to keep you smiling.

Suggested forms: Coyote, Fox, Raccoon.

This is... very interesting. I looked through the other possible results, and this one also sounded like what I would get, and probably more like what I would have expected to get:

Calm Thoughtful Soul

You are a calm and restrained person, and you don't usually let your emotions get the better of you. Your friends and family are very important to you, and you enjoy spending time with them. However, you need to get away from them occasionally, because you need regular time to yourself to unwind a bit.

You are thoughtful and sensitive to the needs of others, especially your loved ones. You make an excellent listener, and your friends rely on you to be their rock in times of trouble. It is rare that you ask them to return the favour, however: you are a private person, and you rarely talk about your feelings. You don't like confrontation, and you don't usually react when someone hurts your feelings. You try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and you don't want to cause a fuss. You pick your battles, and when someone steps over the line, you surprise them with the vehemence of your emotions.

Your daemon's form would represent your poised, confident nature and your calm self restraint. He or she would probably rarely speak in public, but when alone, you and he/she could review the day, and he or she could provide the reassurance and comfort that you deny yourself by keeping your emotions bottled up.

Suggested forms: Cheetah, Crane, Wolf, Raven.

I think if you put the two together you get a pretty good guess at me. But the trickster was interesting, because normally I don't get a result from quizzes like these that are a smidge dark, as tricksters are.

woostering: (phoenix)

I selected

a suitably interesting subject

One that needed more knowing about

The greatest, you might say

I read the background research

(thought I had it down)

—although background turns out to be

a factor minor to irrelevant—

Set out my hypothesis;

There was, I thought

Some system

Which others worked under

And so too would I,


There’s a flaw in my study

The data got all skewed

Perhaps irreparably.

All wrong

and nothing better than muddled

That’s what happens

When you examine fields

Not really your area.

Hypotheses were… reexamined?

Repeat the test

And repeat and repeat and repeat

That’s how it works

But this is not empirical,

never will be

case-by-case let’s see

how did they—

But there’s a flaw in my study

Though I must continue

For all its frayed words

I want to sing and


for though I plot them well enough

I cannot hit the notes

I want to know why the shifting of these points

to everyone sounds so grand

and live encased in meanings

that I do see and feel and understand

Because a flawed study still provides results

Just maybe not for the question

You were asking.

woostering: (Holmes + Watson in Sweden)
I grin at you like fresh fallen snow
Like how my eyes drift shut,
pleasure in a brisk breeze.
I laugh at you like raindrops
Once, I might
To drift fingertips like fog
(But your mind!
I would walk through it,
And know it,
And leave your dark places
Though you cannot hide them
from me.)
Let me but
Bear witness
To your brilliance, neverending
Cold bright wonder of your soul
Freezing fire called to snow
woostering: (Default)

I am nothing but a little black bird,

Flitting between your branches

Perching amongst the lines

Of the fairytales.

Some days I am still,

Rocked by the wind and strains of song

Some I hardly set down at all

Needing to take flight

Around, between

The trees I have taken to watching.

Some days I am a starling

Inconsequential (one of many)

Some I am the raven

Solitary in my wisdom, in my sight.

But most important, I

Am ever black

And can travel to dark places

And I do not fear, for I too

Am a little dark. (A bearer of the light.)

Let me stay, that I may sing

Or at least

Shed my feathers

(my only mark of passage)

Near the wide branches

Of the only trees that felt like home.

woostering: (phoenix)
I'm beginning to suspect
I need two things explained to me
How you people understand relationships to work
And how you sort out what maintains a conversation
Without killing every idea
And still
All the relevant data

And I'm still not sure ever make sense
woostering: (Default)

The ghosts of London whisper past

They tip their hats, I bow my head

The rustle of wool

The click of shoes and silver-tipped canes

A single curl of fog

Around the feet

Of those, whose souls

Once roamed the cobbled streets

Whose eyes glint

With gaslight

And hands crinkle

Yellowed pages of books

Worn through their binding

Collecting dust and tender glances

From their shelves

Fingers, though bare

Perpetually clad in black leather

Necks held in starched collars

Cased in silk

A voice, whose vowels

Hearken back

To clouds and rain and brickwork

And the clatter from the streets

The lives

Of London


Dec. 4th, 2011 01:05 pm
woostering: (Default)
Share a furtive glance,
gaze darting like
fish in a murky pond
Outside, eyes
do not wander
On windblown empty sidewalks
The distance between us
as we pass
is set.
Our kind,
we do not speak
our words
black feathers against gray sky
You, determined, taciturn
And I
lip curled up from
an internal Cheshire
my ears catalog
the fading clicking of your stride
on cold pavement.
woostering: (Default)
Your primary fascination is MYSTIQUE. (Nicely done, you.) Even without realizing it, you’re already instinctively applying this trigger when trying to persuade others. Your secondary trigger is ALARM, and your dormant trigger (the one you’re least likely to apply in your personality and behavior) is POWER.

If mystique is your primary trigger, you’re intriguing. Very. You make people curious to learn more because you reveal personal information carefully, if at all. People want to find out what makes you tick.

Mystique sparks an intense desire to know more, hinting at possibilities without putting it all on the table. By activating this trigger, you entice people to seek out more about your message.

Topics with mystique become discussed and debated, as people work to gather more information: from suspense thrillers, to stock market predictions, to the origin of the Universe. And you, my friend, are no exception.

On the downside, because you reveal so little, people might have trouble knowing what you’re thinking and feeling, which can come across as cold. You might benefit from sharing your ideas more openly, and giving people more ways to engage with you. Just be sure to avoid sneakiness or mind games.

Curious about your natural ability to make others curious? Mystique is delicate balance to be sure, but once achieved, you’re nothing short of mesmerizing.


The sight of blood. An unexpected phone call in the middle of the night. Losing sight of your child in a crowd. These things instantly create a sense of urgency, or even panic, forcing us to act now. Now! Now! Now!

Unlike other triggers, which have fairly consistent traits in one’s personality, alarm is different. This trigger can show up in your personality in one of two ways: you’re either responsive to alarm, or, you create alarm in others.

If you’re responsive to alarm: You’re extremely sensitive to demands in your environment, and focus on ways to avoid conflict. You’re highly attuned to the expectations of others. Deadlines make you more productive, and demands push you to achieve more. You work hard to avoid experiencing unpleasant surprises. You’re probably also using the trust trigger to send consistent, uncontroversial messages.

If you create alarm in others: You have high expectations, and use your authority to achieve your means. You’re not afraid to establish consequences for poor results. Most likely, you’re most combining power or prestige with this trigger, to heighten performance of those around you.

Fedex uses alarm (“When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight!”), and so does QVC (“Call now before we’re sold out!). When used as a solo trigger, alarm can be too extreme for everyday use. However in combination with any of the other triggers, it can prod your message with intensity, and urgency.


Power is all about control, and control isn’t something you’re quite comfortable with. That’s okay. People with a dormant power trigger are often great listeners, strong supporters, and wonderful friends.

Power commands people to pay attention by exerting some form of influence, so you might be missing out on some opportunities to distinguish yourself, especially at work. If you can increase your use of this trigger, your messages will earn greater respect, and a bigger, more loyal audience.

From here
woostering: (Default)

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

  1. You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.

  2. You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.

  3. You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.

  4. Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.

  5. Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

Bright and Cheerful

You are always cheerful and charming. You never get too serious with people when they're around, but when you are alone, you think carefully about what they have said. That's because you don't want anyone to see you being too somber. Your personality means you have a lot of friends and you are often the center of attention. Many people who fall into this category become artists and movie stars, perhaps fame could be yours in the future as well.

Kind and Gentle

Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

You value your friendships: 55%

You love your friends very much - so much so that it's actually quite a worry. You may not be able to cope very well when you do lose somebody's friendship. You are a very sensitive and fragile person, and are therefore likely to get upset easily. You care for your friends and are willing to do anything that they ask you to do. Sometimes this can make your friends think that you are a bit of a nuisance. Nevertheless, people do really love you because your highest priority is your friends.

All largely accurate, especially the beginning parts.
woostering: (Default)


You are willing to take the time to find out what's going on with other people, especially if they're in distress. You're a good listener, you don't criticize, and you offer unbiased, respectful, honest advice when it's requested. With a high score on the "understanding" trait, it is likely that you are enthusiastic about charitable work, helping others, and making the world a better place.

You don't feel the need to impose your standards on others or say things that, even though true, cause pain.


You like your own company; you're a very interesting person. Tracking your own mental processes, knowing what you're thinking and why you do what you do, is important to you. Often, what's going on in your mind is more compelling than what's going on outside. For the most part, those with a high score on the "introspective" trait enjoy reading, taking long walks, learning new things, and other solitary activities.

You are not someone who is constantly looking to be among a group of friends; you never feel bored when you are by yourself.


You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life. You have good taste, and you're proud of it. Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.

You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty. You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job.


You are constantly coming up with new ideas. For you, the world as it exists is just a jumping-off place; what's going on inside your mind is often more interesting than what's going on outside.

You don't feel that the road to success is to be a realist and stick to the program; you never stop yourself from coming up with new ideas or telling the world what you're thinking about.


You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss. People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.

You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.


You have a knack for knowing what's going on in the hearts and minds of those around you, without their having to tell you explicitly. People tend to turn to you with their problems because they know you care, and that you will likely offer good advice and a helping hand.

You do not feel that people with sad stories are just looking for attention, or have brought their problems upon themselves.


You like to get to the bottom of things. You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it.

You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.


You enjoy teamwork, play well with others, and prefer getting along to winning.

You're not compelled to win every contest nor to be right all the time.


You are in touch with your own feelings, which helps put you in touch with the feelings of others.

You don't buy the logic that your happiness comes ahead of everyone else's because unless you're happy you're incapable of making anyone else happy.


You rarely become irritated, generally accept people as they are, take things as they come, and feel relaxed in most situations.

You do not let a minor annoyance escalate to a confrontation. You don't regularly snap at those around you or fly off the handle with little provocation.

From here.


Aug. 1st, 2011 02:45 pm
woostering: (Marian)

I am, and always have been, quite a bit of an optimist. Now, in this day and age it is incredibly hard to maintain such a positive outlook when there is so much crap going on in the world, and it is relatively easy to become aware of it. There's an awful lot of world suck, and sometimes it feels wrong to believe things Get Better when, for some, or for many, they may not. Yet I still hold that belief.

I had meant to write this earlier, about a week ago, but lj was down and things were happening so I'm just getting around to it. But I still wanted to get it out. Last week something happened, you see. One of those brilliant moments that us optimistic folk treasure because, every once in a while, we are proven right.

I suppose I should explain something of my views on the matter first.  I believe things happen that can be termed mircales. I do not believe in waiting for them. I believe in doing the best you can with what you have, and if you do that it will be enough. Maybe not great, but it will be enough to endure, to survive, and to my way of thinking that counts for a lot. My philosophy is that the universe will give us what we need. The trick, of course, is learning what those things are, and how to make the greatest use of them. You learn to live with the tools you have, that surviving and being able to pick one's head up every morning and not loose all of oneself to despair is actually quite a lot. One day I'll figure out how to word that better. But the key words are survive and endure, in the face of hardship, in the face of perhaps impossible odds. It is not the 'everything is all good and will only ever improve' kind of optimism, but rather the 'if you're willing to put some effort into living you will get what you need to live' kind. Maybe that shouldn't be called optimism. It's more an optimistic realism, I suppose. I don't claim things will always be wonderful. What I believe is that things will always be okay, and, sometimes, they can be good. Bad things get better, or at least tolerable.

So. Back to the story. A friend of mine (from tumblr, not that that's especially relevant) has been having a very rough time, for a number of reasons that pile up into one big mess. One of those reasons is that he is very independant and maybe a little bit proud. He doesn't identify with lions for nothing. But he's the kind of person who really needs to do things for himself, and part of why his current situation is very hard is that he's really not in a position to get things, the things he really needs, on his own. He's also the kind of person who needs to know he has support, and his blood-related family hasn't really done a whole lot for him. Last week, he did something incredibly hard, which was to ask for help. Now, I know we all can say there's nothing wrong with needing help, that there shouldn't be shame in asking for it, but there is and it's not easy, for anyone. And for some people, it just really isn't in their makeup, it's not who they are. My friend is one of those people, yet he gathered his courage and swallowed his pride and he did it.

The initial start was a bit slow, but then. Oh, but then. Within the course of 24 hours, he got what he needed, actually got more than he needed. 24 hours. Now, it's true, he is one person, and there are many that need help. But part of what made it so significant to me was, first that he's a friend and so I care, but the day before I had sent him a message that had a line like this: "I refuse to believe the universe is so badly designed as to let you down in this, this thing which is so crucial for you." And then, in a great show of the power of what friends can do, I was proven right. Within a day. I had meant it in the sense of 'It will take time, but hang in there because it will be okay', not this wonderful explosion of willingness to help. But for an optimist, maintaining a face of faith in the universe, in a world where things often go wrong, it feels good to be proven right sometimes.

Is everything suddenly fixed? No. But it was a step on that long road to making things okay, and it's these moments, these shining, warmly glowing threads of time that you can hold onto and look back at to make the next steps a little easier, that keep you moving forward. And that's what matters.

The Concert

Jul. 5th, 2011 03:04 pm
woostering: (goldy)
Pre-concert is all bustle and gossip. Getting into concert dress, fiddling with hair and makeup and tuning. Putting sheets of music in order, some crisp and new, some old and creased and faded. Checking that reeds aren't chipped and valves aren't stuck. Chattering to make the clock go faster.

Roughly twenty minutes before, and everyone is gathered. Ceremony, tradition, a superstition for good luck. A prayer, said together. The band is ready to play.

Walk to the stage, put the folder on the stand, wait for the nod from the director to sit. Rearrange the dress and the chair and the stand. Wipe off palms gone clammy with sweat. Play the Star Spangled Banner. Feel slightly calmer, as you know the ins and outs and the flick of the conductor's baton by heart. Carry out the wave of the last symbol crash, and sit, and breathe as the director turns to introduce the songs.

Wipe off hands again, wonder if sweaty palms are bad for the satin dress. Lick anxiously at the reed and tighten the ligature to make sure it's perfect-- a nervous habit. Raise the clarinet in sync with the baton, and everything fades away except the notes on the page and the anticipation of the upbeat telling you to go.

When the song starts, you become it-- the push, the pull, the slide of fingers over keys, by muscle memory now. You do not become a mistake that causes your physical body to flinch, even as your mind and heart and hands are living the next note. You do not become a sneeze in the audience or the creak of a chair. You become the song and the song becomes you. The pattern of the baton sliding through the air, the proud bray of the trumpets, the warmth of the trombones, the pulse and punctuation of percussion, the soft flutter of the flutes, the hum of the saxophones behind you. And then your own notes, sifting, playing, building between in the the spaces the composer left just for you. In that place between first and last breath, drawn through the clarinet by the conductor's hand, is the music, and therefore you. Each piece has its own nooks and crannies, its edges and gentle waves, familiar through practice but bright and crystalline now. One eye follows the ink on the page and the other the director. Lungs expand and contract by his hand. Fingers guide the sounds shaped by your clarinet and the song itself propels them out to wrap around the audience sitting at the edge of your consciousness. Each song feels different, moves differently through you, and the self you become is never quite the same. You are the song as it should be.

Some are intense, engaging the mind so completely nothing exists outside the collective vibrations of air at any given time. Some are gentle, some are sad, or happy of playful or fierce. Some shout a victory, demanding the audience hears the melody and counterpoint. Some sing a sighing breeze the pulls mournful ocean waves from the shore. Some direct themselves toward one person, some to the whole crowd, the building, the world.

The last note holds the charge in the air longer the it can physically be heard. The baton lowers and the band collectively exhales as the audience applauds, reorienting your consciousness and awareness in your body and not somewhere just above it. There are breaks through the night, announcements, acknowledgments, explanations, shuffling of music and seats. And at the end, the last chord of the last song, finally released into air and memory, you hear the clapping and you don't let go. Like a child clutching a jewel to their chest, you don't quite leave that state of being where you conscious self hovers an inch or two above you head even as instinct takes hold and you stand and bow and exit to pack up and put away before finding family and friend. Voices ring in your ears and the lights bleed through your eyes because in your head, you are still the song.
woostering: (Warehouse 13: Evil Disco Ball)

Awesome little personality test.


woostering: (Default)

May 2014



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